An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley/Destiny Hope,

Let me start by being completely and totally honest: I am not a fan.  I don’t like your music, or your show, or your merchandise, or your clothes, or any aspect of you, what makes you you, and what is affiliated with you. I’m merely here to pose five questions that have been on my mind for some time (I would have thought of seven, but it would have turned into a more clever and overwitty version of your banal hit). So Miley/Destiny Hope, here it goes:

1) Do you realize that your stage name is no better than your given Christian name? Seriously: unoriginal cutesy childhood nicknames (Smiley became Miley; ingenious) are just as lame as having two undefined nouns that put into question the sanity of your parents, not to mention the amount of amphetamines they must have smoked at Woodstock to give you such wonderful names,. You would do yourself, myself and the rest of us a favor if you took a leaf out of a prominent musician’s book when it comes to names: on second thought, I’m sure even Gary Glitter would have a thing or two to teach you.

2) Do you honestly feel that keeping the spandex and rhinestone industries out of the pit is a wholesome contribution to society? Personally, I’m proud of you. You’ve marginally surpassed my underestimations and preconceptions of you by saving two industries from the economic crisis every time you step out on stage as Hannah Montana (another concept that escapes me, which I will get to later) wearing one of your famous Disney-rawkstarr outfits. From psychedelic plaid gauchos to sequined fuschia stiletto  boots, you seem to have kept every obscure sector of mediocre textile completely recession-proof. After all, especially  given your status as Disney sooperstarr (I’m presuming that the youngguns Disney Channel media ensnares write like that, given that what mundane magical shenanigans Alex Russo has recently gotten herself into is far more compelling then riding a bike or learning to read), you’ve saved those two industries: monkey see, monkey do. Through crappy merchandise and insidious omnipresent media, you’ve successfully manipulated an entire generation to venerate the garish mediocrity of mainstream music: I salute you, Destiny Hope/Miley Cyrus.

3) Speaking of crappiness and mainstream music, let’s associate the words for the next question: why must all your music be so spectacularly banal and formulaic? It’s one thing to have lyrics easily comprehended by the younger generations and universally appealing, but a complete other to have lyrics that are just-to put it simply-pointless. Case in point: nobody’s perfect/i’ve got to work it/again and again/ till i get it right. Come on, that’s just bad observational humor. And please don’t get me started on your hairflips that would make a Kurt Cobain on ecstasy jealous, your static-robotic choreography and your spectacularly lame rhymes: sometimes i’m in a jam/I’ve got to make a plan/it might be crazy/I do it anyway. My brother’s proven to be more eloquent and well-spoken, and he’s almost half your age.

Then again I shouldn’t be pointing fingers, at least not at you: I should turn to your brilliant lyricist, your father, for his preconceptions of today’s kids that continually gets on my nerves every time Radio Disney is turned on. All I can really say is, I’m insulted: however jaded, oversexed and dumbly thrill-seeking our generation might be, we’re not all completely stupid (did that sentence just contradict itself? BLEH).

4) I honestly don’t think I need a clever formulation for this next question; punctuation and capital letters will suffice. To quote 90% of the sane adolescent population: HANNAH MONTANA?! WTF?! Has the stupidity of having an alias, that isn’t actually an alias at all because no one lives under a rock and you frequently shove your SOOPERSTARR DOUBLE LIFE ZOMG media in to the populus’ face, ever crossed your mind? Have you ever thought it was entirely pointless to sweat into an overused, massively heavy with hair product, bleached-blond wig for half your life? You recently said in an interview that through Hannah Montana, you explore a different façade of your music: pardon my crudeness, but how the hell does that work? Aside from that horrid garish excuse for a sitcom, do you live vicariously through your “alias”? NO. Do you explore two very different styles of music, say maybe pop and ska (though I discourage you virulently from doing so, you’ve already killed one genre)? NO. Honestly Destiny Hope/ Miley,  I make no distinction between Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana, save maybe more rhinestones and some bleached hair in between.

5) Final question: why is it necessary to treble your voice for EVERY song? Experimenting with one’s vocal range is a beautiful thing: Imogen Heap can go from a monumental belt to a hissy whisper in twenty seconds, and though an acquired taste, it’s a beautiful thing to hear. You, on the other hand, do something quite bizarre: you go from a husky, murmuring croak to a nasal lengthening of a note, then to a poorly executed falsetto, and then back to that good ol’ croak. Oh, and let’s not forget all the “sha”‘s in between. Seriously Miley/Destiny Hope, for someone with so much alleged talent, why can’t you make up your mind on your vocal range? Even with computer synthesizers making every aspect of your voice artificial, it still comes out a confused mess, as do most of the outfits you wear, your celebrity profile and your love life (zomygawd yesh, I went there).

To conclude this rather scathing letter, a word of advice: go have a sit-down in your little Nashville and sort your voice, your outfits and your celebrity profile out. Straighten things out. And make yourself comfortable while you’re at it, possibly never come into the spotlight again. Merely a suggestion, I’m not pointing fingers here: after all, wasn’t it you who said that nobody’s perfect?

Insincerely,

~Ady

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~ by thetunarhythm on June 28, 2009.

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